When I was little, maybe around age 7 or 8, The Exorcist was re-released in theaters. I guess it was a pretty big deal, there were commercials on TV advertising it for weeks ahead of time. The commercials terrified me - they literally gave me nightmares. There was one shot in the commercials that I remember very well - one where a girl in a nightgown was doing a very painful-looking crab walk down a staircase, screaming in some horrible voice that is hard to forget as an 8-year old. I saw that shot over and over again in my head every time I shut my eyes, and I swore up and down that I would never, ever see that horrible movie.
It wasn't until this past week that I watched the Exorcist for the first time.
Probably not because I was scared or anything, I just haven't gotten around to it. :-P
[Oh, and that image of the girl crab-walking down the stairs? It never came up. I was sort of disappointed.]
I think that, back when I watched the Exorcist commercials, it was the first time I'd been exposed to any sort of possibility of the demonic. Don't get me wrong, I knew all about the devil and Hell thanks to my elementary education - but the possibility of the devil and his minions manifesting themselves in everyday life as opposed to them being stuck in Hell where they couldn't get to me, or anyone I cared about, or anyone else? I think that scared me more than any image Hollywood could conjure.
As I watched the movie, there were several moments that reminded me of my own spiritual journey throughout my life. I was struck by how far I've come since first seeing those commercials, and yet, how unbelievably lost I am in all things faith/God oriented - I guess some would call that negative progress.
Maybe it's not all good - no, I have not had a positive experience with religion of any kind; no, I don't know what to think about God (and that is hard for me); yes, I lose sleep over it; yes, it has affected my life - but I don't think it's all bad. It has pounded me into what I am today, and I would not trade a single step in my journey for anything, even if I might desperately want to. That's because I know the things I know thanks to my experiences; every experience, every moment that doesn't kill you is precious in some form or another, even the hardest, most unbearable ones.
You're an optimist. I don't think my every moment is or has been precious. I think most of them were pretty boring in a repetitive sort of way. I've also spent a lot of them in pain and, to an extent, disability. There are lessons in that, to be sure, but the textbook can go into overkill too.
ReplyDeleteLike you, I've lost a lot of sleep wondering about god. It's like wondering about space aliens though--only god's existence is less likely, in my estimation--in that god might be somewhere in some form, but then comes the question: "Does it really matter?' I believe that, in my life, spending so much time thinking about god was pretty close to mental illness.
Lol repetition has been a huge part of my life - but I can't say that I haven't learned. That's me in my element, when I'm learning.
ReplyDeleteI'm trying not to care about the God issue. It's just so hard, when my influences are so heavily religious - I've always been surrounded by the church, and by dedicated followers of the church. So much of what I've learned about God (the Christian God, anyway) is great in theory, but in practice, so much has gone wrong and I can't reconcile it.
And you're right, it is mentally draining, at the very least. An illness probably comes closer to it.
Can you really say you've "not had a positive experience with religion of any kind?" what about the mission trip to Sask. or your times at camp or even the times in youth group -- no? Community is part of a positive experience isn't it?
ReplyDeleteYes, and where is that community now? If something tastes good when you first eat it and then ends up giving you a stomachache, was it all that good to begin with? That chapter of my life is pretty bitter to look back on, even if it was positive at the time. It didn't end up doing me much good in the long run, though, admittedly, that is probably my fault.
ReplyDeleteSame here. When I left the church of my birth family, my church family left me. I tried to reconnect with my best friend from my teen years recently and, like the others, he won't even talk to me about what he thinks or feels, he just forwards me religious things. For the most part, I have come to loathe most religious people. Love is what they talk about, but I've seen damn little of it in what they do.
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry to hear that, that seems to be a common theme in these sorts of situations.
ReplyDeleteFortunately, that is not the case for me; my family has always been very supportive. But, when it comes to understanding what I feel or think, I don't think they can. Part of that is comforting, that they support me even though they don't necessarily understand...but when they talk to me about religious or faith-based matters like I agree with/understand them, I just feel guilty and uncomfortable.
Part of that is that I'm not sure where I stand when it comes to my faith. I don't want to call myself an atheist, nor do I want to call myself a Christian. I don't like to "believe" in things. I like to KNOW things. I can't reconcile the things that I know and have experienced with the general idea and theory of God and what He is supposed to be. I do have faith. In what? I'm not sure.
When you have faith in something or someone, this would mean--I think--that you have trust that it will behave in a predictable and loving way. So, to say that you have faith, but that you don't know what your faith is in, is hard for me to follow. I'm not trying to put you on the spot, but if you would like to elaborate, I would be interested.
ReplyDeleteLike you, I don't like to believe; I like to know. When I can't know, I can still choose the most likely possibility.
I suppose I should elaborate -
ReplyDelete"I have faith" for me is a blanket statement for "I know there's a spiritual realm or at least a greater realm of some kind, somewhere." My own experiences and the accounts of others leave no doubt for me that this is true. What that realm consists of/is ruled by, I don't know. I don't have faith or love toward any revealed religion or God specifically, but there is something there.
My departure from religion and faith was long and gradual. I have been a non-believer for a long time but only recently felt comfortable now calling myself an Atheist, just this year, in fact and blogged about it.
ReplyDeleteWhat losing my faith has done for me is removed a lot of fear and doubt from my life. I feel more confident about the world and life in general... I sleep better at night, in fact. The release of this capricious superstition has been a freeing experience for me. I cannot imagine going back.
I wish I had that confidence - I pride myself in being able to think and judge for myself what is true, but I am scared to death of being called an Atheist, and I certainly can't call myself one. I'm not sure what it is - I think part of it is that my family is deeply rooted in Lutheranism, and to me, my family's traditions are very important. My family is a huge part of my identity, and saying that I'm an atheist would make me feel like I was cutting myself off from them somehow. I know they would still accept me, but that is beside the point. They'd accept me no matter what. But losing that part of myself would make me even MORE lost than I am already. I'm all about "being your own person" and whatever, but the impact my family has had on me is too precious to me to give up over something petty like whether I believe in God or not.
ReplyDeleteI wish I had your confidence, Robert. It certainly shows in your blog (which I really enjoy reading). I hope to be as enlightened and confident someday.
"I am scared to death of being called an Atheist..."
ReplyDeleteAnd they don't even kill you for it anymore--at least not in most places. It still has a shocking sound to it, though, a bit like the word nigger.
I hate "Putting a label on it." Especially when it comes to me. I like to think that I elude all labels, particularly when it comes to something like religion, which automatically makes people think of you in a certain way. "Oh, she's an atheist, she's closed minded." "She's a Christian, she hates gay people." It just drives me nuts. I guess I'm scared to death of being called anything, because no one is ever right in their assumptions.
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